Pretenchious sounding single word

Guess whose druuuuunk?

So I figured I should liket, type out my thoughts or someshit to see if I'm' really that different when I'm drunk or not.

So far I think I'm doing pretty well. I keep thinking that you know, maybe things aren't all that bad. And maybe I just need to relax a bit more. I'd like to be a musician or somethig. Being a mortician is just deppressing. If I was a musician I could just play music all fucking say a and not have to even worry about death or whatever. Sometimes I think I just do shit like this to torture myself. I think too much.

Ive been drinking on this crown royalo stuff and it's pretty good. Except by good I mean tastes like SHIT. I have to mix it with coke, and then it still tastes like mokey piss. You know, I'm not even going to bother correcting the red squiggly lines. I'll just try my best to spell everything correctly from now on. I think that'll be easy enough.

Ugh but I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY. I had all these ideas that just vanished the moment I sat down. i might just have to go to bed or something. I do feel a lot better now, at least better than I was. Ill prolly hate myself in the morning, but whatev. Later gaters.

Rage

I'm fucking sick of this shit.

You want to know what I dreamed about? Absolutely nothing related to what I was trying to do. Nothing related at all. No, instead I dreamed of blood. It wasn't a scary dream, just...odd. I killed my best friend while fighting over a waffle or...something. I can't really remember it. I just remember smashing her teeth out of her face while blood flew everywhere.

Like I said, I'm fucking sick of this bullshit. I'm not going to find anything. I know this, but still I have to keep pressing forward when I -know- I'm going to be disappointed. I should just quit.

Make a mental jump into depressing shit, and I should just quit everything. It doesn't matter anyway, if I'm just going to die and become NOTHING.

You live a life of meaningless pains and joys, and in the end, you suffer for nothing. All you have to show for it is your body in the ground, and other meaningless lives mourning your passing, -if- you're lucky.

I'm going to go to bed and hope I don't wake up.

...

Except then I'd cease to exist. Either way I lose.

Visualization

Large yellow eyes that stare into me, freezing me in place. A sharp, shining beak that I just -know- could disembowel me easily. I can just imagine the creature ripping into my face and eye socket as I lie on the ground, bleeding out. It's covered in some sort of mixture of feathers and fur, all black and glossy. They rise up like smoke from it's body, and vanish into the air. I have a feeling it could vanish into this smoke if it wanted to, but for now it stays horrifyingly substantial. It's talons are long and twisted black, and I can't help but think of how they would feel clenched around my still beating heart. It bobs it's head as it walks towards me, regarding me as the lesser thing I am. Slowly, it opens it's mouth and I scream it's name in terror. At this moment I'm afraid to type it out, even though it might provoke a response.

Just...getting my thoughts out before I go to bed. Wish me luck.

Bird

So, it's been a while. I swear I haven't just been lazy about updating, it's just that...nothing has really happened besides me freaking out.

That is, until last night. It's not much, I'm going to warn you right now, but it's something interesting. I had a dream. I was running in the woods for some arbitrary reason when I caught sight of something...odd. It was, well, some sort of bird creature, except it had no wings. Instead it had four legs and was about the size of a deer or a horse. All it did was stand there, but it seemed very out of place in the dream. I had places to go, things to do, when all of a sudden: CREEPY THING. I drew a picture, because I'm cool like that.

 

Like I said, it's not much, but it's something remotely interesting. The reason I drew the fur the way I did was because in the dream the fur was sort of rising up from the creature like wisps of smoke. Dark smoke. All it did was look at me, and I was afraid.

I'm going to try to dream about it again tonight. Keep it in my mind until I fall asleep. I'll probably fail, but...eh, I'll try anything at this point. I've been really depressed the last few days and this...I don't know, it gives me some hope that I might not have failed as horribly as I did. Then again, I'm probably just having odd dreams. I'll post my results tomorrow.

Sky

I'm a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to cry myself to sleep last night. That would have been simple. Instead, I huddled under my covers in a panic. It was bad, worse than my usual panic attacks. I actually made the mental jump from 'there is nothing after death' to 'so I should just go and die' a few times. Everything seemed bleak and hopeless. Crying would have made me feel better.

I probably should have prepared for the worst. Prepared for what I'd do if nothing happened. I was a fucking idiot.

Part of me wants to believe that I was just too weak to make anything happen, or that I should have just kept going at it. I hate that part of myself right now. It's that part of myself that disappoints me time and time again.

So. Dreams. I had one of my usual 'oh hey I'm flying' dreams, except this time I was actually a bird. I flew over an abandoned building. I flew over trees and forests. Pretty fun stuff. It's probably the only reason I'm not in the worst mood ever.

Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. Fly forever.

....sorry. I'm in an odd mood. Kind of depressed and all that jazz. Not exactly sure what comes next. I guess I'll just keep you updated.

Midnight

I waited until midnight.

Not to be creepy or anything, I just don't live alone and didn't want to risk anyone walking in on me.

I started by lighting three candles. No, they weren't black. I sadly couldn't get any black candles on such short notice. I then began to burn the asafoetida on the charcoal I had. I'm honestly not sure how long it took me to enter a trance state, but I did as well as one possibly can while thinking the whole thing is a load of crock.

I then anointed the sigil with blood: 

Don't worry, I didn't actually cut myself for this. I had a scab that I was able to pick at, and I'm not one to waste an opportunity. You can even tell it was only about a drop or two. I'm not -crazy-.

Heh.

So after that I attached the sigil to my mirror, and visualized sending my energy into both of them. I then performed the conjuration. The result?

Not a fucking thing.

Wait, that's a lie. The hair on the back of my neck -did- stand up a bit, but...that's really to be expected when one is chanting creepy things in a candle-lit room at midnight. I asked if anything was there, and I got the same feeling of talking to myself that I did when I used to attempt to commune with dieties way back when. The same half assed mental 'yes' that truly means I'm just chatting with my subconcious. Balls.

I got goosebumps. I'm pretty sure those were from the mental freak out I had when I realized nothing was going to happen.

I'm....actually not feeling too hot right now. I think I'm slipping into a depression or something. Whatever, I'll post something when I wake up.

Decisions

So I decided on which demon I'm going to let eat my soul.

Raum.

"The Fortieth Spirit is Raum. He is a Great Earl; and appeareth at first in the Form of a Crow, but after the Command of the Exorcist he putteth on Human Shape. His office is to steal Treasures out King's Houses, and to carry it whither he is commanded, and to destroy Cities and Dignities of Men, and to tell all things, Past and What Is, and what Will Be; and to cause Love between Friends and Foes. He was of the Order of Thrones. He governeth 30 Legions of Spirits; and his Seal is this, which wear thou as aforesaid."

I chose him because he takes the form of a crow, and there's a lot of crows in my area. I want to give him as much ammunition against me as possible. I've also always had a soft spot for crows, so if anything happens, I might not completely lose my mind in fear.

I've already drawn his sigil: 

Now I just have to actually do the ritual. This will probably be the last post before I do it, so...yeah. I'm still figuring out how I'm going to incorporate my blood into the ritual. I'm thinking I might just use the blood to 'charge' the sigil, so to speak. If I do, I'll take a picture or something.

And...Jeff was it? ...in case you don't check back on the comments...I appreciate the concern, but destruction is the point of this endeavor. Sometimes you have to break something down in order to build it back up again. I think this metaphor is an apt description of my situation.

So, a very simplified outline of the ritual:

- Normally there is a preliminary invocation to make sure that one is in a state in which they can control/command the demons. I'm skipping this part.
- Instead, I'm going to set up an area with candles. I will also be burning asafoetida. I will induce a trance state. Google it if you want to know how I'm doing it (or the possible ways I'm doing it).
- Then I will 'raise energy'. Though I've lost most of my faith in this method, I'm still confident that I can go through the motions of visualizing it. Basically, I will make pretendy time that I am moving energy around. Fun stuff.
- Then I will go through the actual conjuration. Yes, I'm doing it without casting a circle. If you want to know the actual words to the conjuration, look up the Lesser Key of Solomon online. I trust you'll be able to find it if you really want to. Instead of attempting to seal the demon in a triangle or circle, I will be using a mirror I own. This will only serve to send energy towards in the hopes that the demon will have enough energy to manifest in some way.
-  I will then attempt to converse with the entity.
- After that, I will allow the spirit to depart, but I will -not- perform any sort of banishing ritual. Surely this level of stupidity will get at least some sort of result.

I'll post tomorrow with my results.