Uncertainty

I'm starting to wonder if this is really a good idea or not.

I'm afraid of offending the gods, the Lwa, and the spirits I still hold used to hold so dear. I'm supposed to be above stupid shit like this, but apparently I'm not. I'm just another one of those idiot kids that goes poking around for the hell of it. I used to have belief, I used to be strong in my belief. What happened?

I doubt -everything- now.

Even so, the fear is washing over me. Slowly at first, but now it's coming in waves. What if I -do- grab something's attention? What if my family gets hurt because of it? I don't care about myself, but I can't say the same about my friends. The 'rational' part of me says that such worrying is ridiculous, but...I don't know.

The sick part is that I know I'm going to go through with whatever plan I come up with. That's how far gone I am.

Dog

For some strange reason, my dog hates my room.

She didn't used to hate my room, but nowadays, whenever I bring her in with me for the night, she'll scratch at the door incessantly until I let her out. It's strange because she's obviously extremely stressed and afraid when this is going on. She shakes and pants and cries.

Going from what I 'know' about energy, it might be because cleaning my room freed up a lot of excess energy that's making her uncomfortable. The doubtful side of me says that that's bullshit, and she's just getting old.

Even so, I have...strange things in my room. Animal skulls and pelts, some that were specifically made for shamanistic workings. I have a wand that feels like it has a pulse when I hold it, and an altar that I keep adorned with pictures of my gods.

I've been noticing her glance and stare at things that aren't there. I want to chalk it up to normal dog behavior but....a part of me doesn't. A part of me needs something to happen.

Oh well, at least I have a Slendy warning sign if I get too in deep from reading all these slendyblogs.

Does anyone know any creepyblogs that aren't Slender Man related? If so, I'd love to hear about them.

Chaos

So I've been looking more into chaos magic as a possible means of treating my fear.

Long story short? It's a wash.

From what I've read, and what I remember (chaos magic was the type of magic I started out with, as opposed to the Wicca and witchcraft many pagans start out with), chaos magic relies on a psychological system more often than not. In other words, if I was successful in summoning something, it would mean I was successful in altering my consciousness enough to make myself believe I was seeing something. Going by this system of thinking, any working I would do would just be a forced delusion. A useful delusion, but still a delusion. This isn't what I want.

Hell, maybe this is the reason I have so much trouble believing in something. I started out reading about chaos magic at a young age. It probably warped my thinking a bit. Oh well, if all else fails, I might be able to use chaos magic techniques to delude myself into thinking everything is okay. It's not what I want, but it's preferable to my current state.

Next up I'll probably either look into the goetia or Vodou. Hell, maybe even both! Maybe summoning a demon and a lwa at the same time will do wonders. Or send me to the nut house. Whatever works.

Clarification

After a long creepy archive binge, I've decided to clarify that no, this is not an ARG. I am familiar with the term, and after reading Just Another Fool finally have an actual idea of what an ARG is.

Which lead to me reading my blog over and becoming horribly embarrassed.

Guys, if I start posting cryptic messages about  how something is after me, please please -please- use your internet ninja skills to track me down and promptly smack me in the face. I enjoy creepy blogs as much as the next person, but I'm hoping this blog will be...well, hopefully not boring as dirt, but a lot more boring than your average story of when people decide to mess with the unknown. The most I expect is me posting about how I saw something that alleviated my fears. Hopefully after that, I won't have need for this blog anymore. What this means though, is that there could be a lot of posts containing nothing more than me whining about how I've still found jack shit.

I do enjoy creepy blogs though, so I'll probably be using this account to comment on them.

Right now I'm looking through all of my occult-ish books and taking stock of them all, so I should be updating with a game plan soon enough. I don't mind if people follow me, but please understand that I'm typing this all up for my sake, not for entertainment purposes.

Now if you'll excuse me, my dog won't stop shaking. Obviously there's a ghost in the room. :|

Introduction

My name is Erratic, and I'm afraid of death.

Wait, no, that's a lie. Erratic isn't my real name, obviously, but it's what I plan to use for this blog. And I'm not afraid of death so much as what it entails. No, not Hell. I could deal with Hell. I wouldn't enjoy it, but it'd be better than the alternative I fear. I'm not afraid of pain, I'm afraid of nonexistence.

The thought that one day I may suddenly not exist haunts my every waking moment. It sends me into fits of panic. It's even made me contemplate ending it all. If life has no meaning, then why live? Then at least the fear would end.

Now before you tell me to 'find God', let me assure you that I have found a god. There's just a great possibility that he's not your god. I follow an Egyptian deity, but I do so with great doubt. I practice magic, but it's all medication to keep me from my anxiety. Even my career was chosen to hopefully, one day, 'scare me straight' about the possibility of life after death. What better place to find a ghost than a mortuary?

To be honest, I'm sick of the whole thing. I'm sick of pretending to believe in something when my gut constantly tries to contradict me. I'm going to find proof of -something- out there if it kills me. These pagan trappings aren't doing it anymore, it's time for me to be stupid. 

I apologize if I sound incoherent, I haven't had proper sleep in days thanks to this sickness of mine.
I suppose I should break the purpose of this blog down: Pagan girl is scared to death of death, so she decides to go out of her way to provoke the unknown in the hopes of finding some personal proof of said unknown.

Does that sum it up well enough?