Guess whose druuuuunk?
So I figured I should liket, type out my thoughts or someshit to see if I'm' really that different when I'm drunk or not.
So far I think I'm doing pretty well. I keep thinking that you know, maybe things aren't all that bad. And maybe I just need to relax a bit more. I'd like to be a musician or somethig. Being a mortician is just deppressing. If I was a musician I could just play music all fucking say a and not have to even worry about death or whatever. Sometimes I think I just do shit like this to torture myself. I think too much.
Ive been drinking on this crown royalo stuff and it's pretty good. Except by good I mean tastes like SHIT. I have to mix it with coke, and then it still tastes like mokey piss. You know, I'm not even going to bother correcting the red squiggly lines. I'll just try my best to spell everything correctly from now on. I think that'll be easy enough.
Ugh but I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY. I had all these ideas that just vanished the moment I sat down. i might just have to go to bed or something. I do feel a lot better now, at least better than I was. Ill prolly hate myself in the morning, but whatev. Later gaters.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Rage
I'm fucking sick of this shit.
You want to know what I dreamed about? Absolutely nothing related to what I was trying to do. Nothing related at all. No, instead I dreamed of blood. It wasn't a scary dream, just...odd. I killed my best friend while fighting over a waffle or...something. I can't really remember it. I just remember smashing her teeth out of her face while blood flew everywhere.
Like I said, I'm fucking sick of this bullshit. I'm not going to find anything. I know this, but still I have to keep pressing forward when I -know- I'm going to be disappointed. I should just quit.
Make a mental jump into depressing shit, and I should just quit everything. It doesn't matter anyway, if I'm just going to die and become NOTHING.
You live a life of meaningless pains and joys, and in the end, you suffer for nothing. All you have to show for it is your body in the ground, and other meaningless lives mourning your passing, -if- you're lucky.
I'm going to go to bed and hope I don't wake up.
...
Except then I'd cease to exist. Either way I lose.
You want to know what I dreamed about? Absolutely nothing related to what I was trying to do. Nothing related at all. No, instead I dreamed of blood. It wasn't a scary dream, just...odd. I killed my best friend while fighting over a waffle or...something. I can't really remember it. I just remember smashing her teeth out of her face while blood flew everywhere.
Like I said, I'm fucking sick of this bullshit. I'm not going to find anything. I know this, but still I have to keep pressing forward when I -know- I'm going to be disappointed. I should just quit.
Make a mental jump into depressing shit, and I should just quit everything. It doesn't matter anyway, if I'm just going to die and become NOTHING.
You live a life of meaningless pains and joys, and in the end, you suffer for nothing. All you have to show for it is your body in the ground, and other meaningless lives mourning your passing, -if- you're lucky.
I'm going to go to bed and hope I don't wake up.
...
Except then I'd cease to exist. Either way I lose.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Visualization
Large yellow eyes that stare into me, freezing me in place. A sharp, shining beak that I just -know- could disembowel me easily. I can just imagine the creature ripping into my face and eye socket as I lie on the ground, bleeding out. It's covered in some sort of mixture of feathers and fur, all black and glossy. They rise up like smoke from it's body, and vanish into the air. I have a feeling it could vanish into this smoke if it wanted to, but for now it stays horrifyingly substantial. It's talons are long and twisted black, and I can't help but think of how they would feel clenched around my still beating heart. It bobs it's head as it walks towards me, regarding me as the lesser thing I am. Slowly, it opens it's mouth and I scream it's name in terror. At this moment I'm afraid to type it out, even though it might provoke a response.
Just...getting my thoughts out before I go to bed. Wish me luck.
Just...getting my thoughts out before I go to bed. Wish me luck.
Bird
So, it's been a while. I swear I haven't just been lazy about updating, it's just that...nothing has really happened besides me freaking out.
That is, until last night. It's not much, I'm going to warn you right now, but it's something interesting. I had a dream. I was running in the woods for some arbitrary reason when I caught sight of something...odd. It was, well, some sort of bird creature, except it had no wings. Instead it had four legs and was about the size of a deer or a horse. All it did was stand there, but it seemed very out of place in the dream. I had places to go, things to do, when all of a sudden: CREEPY THING. I drew a picture, because I'm cool like that.
That is, until last night. It's not much, I'm going to warn you right now, but it's something interesting. I had a dream. I was running in the woods for some arbitrary reason when I caught sight of something...odd. It was, well, some sort of bird creature, except it had no wings. Instead it had four legs and was about the size of a deer or a horse. All it did was stand there, but it seemed very out of place in the dream. I had places to go, things to do, when all of a sudden: CREEPY THING. I drew a picture, because I'm cool like that.
Like I said, it's not much, but it's something remotely interesting. The reason I drew the fur the way I did was because in the dream the fur was sort of rising up from the creature like wisps of smoke. Dark smoke. All it did was look at me, and I was afraid.
I'm going to try to dream about it again tonight. Keep it in my mind until I fall asleep. I'll probably fail, but...eh, I'll try anything at this point. I've been really depressed the last few days and this...I don't know, it gives me some hope that I might not have failed as horribly as I did. Then again, I'm probably just having odd dreams. I'll post my results tomorrow.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sky
I'm a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to cry myself to sleep last night. That would have been simple. Instead, I huddled under my covers in a panic. It was bad, worse than my usual panic attacks. I actually made the mental jump from 'there is nothing after death' to 'so I should just go and die' a few times. Everything seemed bleak and hopeless. Crying would have made me feel better.
I probably should have prepared for the worst. Prepared for what I'd do if nothing happened. I was a fucking idiot.
Part of me wants to believe that I was just too weak to make anything happen, or that I should have just kept going at it. I hate that part of myself right now. It's that part of myself that disappoints me time and time again.
So. Dreams. I had one of my usual 'oh hey I'm flying' dreams, except this time I was actually a bird. I flew over an abandoned building. I flew over trees and forests. Pretty fun stuff. It's probably the only reason I'm not in the worst mood ever.
Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. Fly forever.
....sorry. I'm in an odd mood. Kind of depressed and all that jazz. Not exactly sure what comes next. I guess I'll just keep you updated.
I probably should have prepared for the worst. Prepared for what I'd do if nothing happened. I was a fucking idiot.
Part of me wants to believe that I was just too weak to make anything happen, or that I should have just kept going at it. I hate that part of myself right now. It's that part of myself that disappoints me time and time again.
So. Dreams. I had one of my usual 'oh hey I'm flying' dreams, except this time I was actually a bird. I flew over an abandoned building. I flew over trees and forests. Pretty fun stuff. It's probably the only reason I'm not in the worst mood ever.
Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. Fly forever.
....sorry. I'm in an odd mood. Kind of depressed and all that jazz. Not exactly sure what comes next. I guess I'll just keep you updated.
Midnight
I waited until midnight.
Not to be creepy or anything, I just don't live alone and didn't want to risk anyone walking in on me.
I started by lighting three candles. No, they weren't black. I sadly couldn't get any black candles on such short notice. I then began to burn the asafoetida on the charcoal I had. I'm honestly not sure how long it took me to enter a trance state, but I did as well as one possibly can while thinking the whole thing is a load of crock.
I then anointed the sigil with blood:
Don't worry, I didn't actually cut myself for this. I had a scab that I was able to pick at, and I'm not one to waste an opportunity. You can even tell it was only about a drop or two. I'm not -crazy-.
Heh.
So after that I attached the sigil to my mirror, and visualized sending my energy into both of them. I then performed the conjuration. The result?
Not a fucking thing.
Wait, that's a lie. The hair on the back of my neck -did- stand up a bit, but...that's really to be expected when one is chanting creepy things in a candle-lit room at midnight. I asked if anything was there, and I got the same feeling of talking to myself that I did when I used to attempt to commune with dieties way back when. The same half assed mental 'yes' that truly means I'm just chatting with my subconcious. Balls.
I got goosebumps. I'm pretty sure those were from the mental freak out I had when I realized nothing was going to happen.
I'm....actually not feeling too hot right now. I think I'm slipping into a depression or something. Whatever, I'll post something when I wake up.
Not to be creepy or anything, I just don't live alone and didn't want to risk anyone walking in on me.
I started by lighting three candles. No, they weren't black. I sadly couldn't get any black candles on such short notice. I then began to burn the asafoetida on the charcoal I had. I'm honestly not sure how long it took me to enter a trance state, but I did as well as one possibly can while thinking the whole thing is a load of crock.
I then anointed the sigil with blood:
Don't worry, I didn't actually cut myself for this. I had a scab that I was able to pick at, and I'm not one to waste an opportunity. You can even tell it was only about a drop or two. I'm not -crazy-.
Heh.
So after that I attached the sigil to my mirror, and visualized sending my energy into both of them. I then performed the conjuration. The result?
Not a fucking thing.
Wait, that's a lie. The hair on the back of my neck -did- stand up a bit, but...that's really to be expected when one is chanting creepy things in a candle-lit room at midnight. I asked if anything was there, and I got the same feeling of talking to myself that I did when I used to attempt to commune with dieties way back when. The same half assed mental 'yes' that truly means I'm just chatting with my subconcious. Balls.
I got goosebumps. I'm pretty sure those were from the mental freak out I had when I realized nothing was going to happen.
I'm....actually not feeling too hot right now. I think I'm slipping into a depression or something. Whatever, I'll post something when I wake up.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Decisions
So I decided on which demon I'm going to let eat my soul.
Raum.
"The Fortieth Spirit is Raum. He is a Great Earl; and appeareth at first in the Form of a Crow, but after the Command of the Exorcist he putteth on Human Shape. His office is to steal Treasures out King's Houses, and to carry it whither he is commanded, and to destroy Cities and Dignities of Men, and to tell all things, Past and What Is, and what Will Be; and to cause Love between Friends and Foes. He was of the Order of Thrones. He governeth 30 Legions of Spirits; and his Seal is this, which wear thou as aforesaid."
I chose him because he takes the form of a crow, and there's a lot of crows in my area. I want to give him as much ammunition against me as possible. I've also always had a soft spot for crows, so if anything happens, I might not completely lose my mind in fear.
I've already drawn his sigil:
Now I just have to actually do the ritual. This will probably be the last post before I do it, so...yeah. I'm still figuring out how I'm going to incorporate my blood into the ritual. I'm thinking I might just use the blood to 'charge' the sigil, so to speak. If I do, I'll take a picture or something.
And...Jeff was it? ...in case you don't check back on the comments...I appreciate the concern, but destruction is the point of this endeavor. Sometimes you have to break something down in order to build it back up again. I think this metaphor is an apt description of my situation.
So, a very simplified outline of the ritual:
- Normally there is a preliminary invocation to make sure that one is in a state in which they can control/command the demons. I'm skipping this part.
- Instead, I'm going to set up an area with candles. I will also be burning asafoetida. I will induce a trance state. Google it if you want to know how I'm doing it (or the possible ways I'm doing it).
- Then I will 'raise energy'. Though I've lost most of my faith in this method, I'm still confident that I can go through the motions of visualizing it. Basically, I will make pretendy time that I am moving energy around. Fun stuff.
- Then I will go through the actual conjuration. Yes, I'm doing it without casting a circle. If you want to know the actual words to the conjuration, look up the Lesser Key of Solomon online. I trust you'll be able to find it if you really want to. Instead of attempting to seal the demon in a triangle or circle, I will be using a mirror I own. This will only serve to send energy towards in the hopes that the demon will have enough energy to manifest in some way.
- I will then attempt to converse with the entity.
- After that, I will allow the spirit to depart, but I will -not- perform any sort of banishing ritual. Surely this level of stupidity will get at least some sort of result.
I'll post tomorrow with my results.
Raum.
"The Fortieth Spirit is Raum. He is a Great Earl; and appeareth at first in the Form of a Crow, but after the Command of the Exorcist he putteth on Human Shape. His office is to steal Treasures out King's Houses, and to carry it whither he is commanded, and to destroy Cities and Dignities of Men, and to tell all things, Past and What Is, and what Will Be; and to cause Love between Friends and Foes. He was of the Order of Thrones. He governeth 30 Legions of Spirits; and his Seal is this, which wear thou as aforesaid."
I chose him because he takes the form of a crow, and there's a lot of crows in my area. I want to give him as much ammunition against me as possible. I've also always had a soft spot for crows, so if anything happens, I might not completely lose my mind in fear.
I've already drawn his sigil:
Now I just have to actually do the ritual. This will probably be the last post before I do it, so...yeah. I'm still figuring out how I'm going to incorporate my blood into the ritual. I'm thinking I might just use the blood to 'charge' the sigil, so to speak. If I do, I'll take a picture or something.
And...Jeff was it? ...in case you don't check back on the comments...I appreciate the concern, but destruction is the point of this endeavor. Sometimes you have to break something down in order to build it back up again. I think this metaphor is an apt description of my situation.
So, a very simplified outline of the ritual:
- Normally there is a preliminary invocation to make sure that one is in a state in which they can control/command the demons. I'm skipping this part.
- Instead, I'm going to set up an area with candles. I will also be burning asafoetida. I will induce a trance state. Google it if you want to know how I'm doing it (or the possible ways I'm doing it).
- Then I will 'raise energy'. Though I've lost most of my faith in this method, I'm still confident that I can go through the motions of visualizing it. Basically, I will make pretendy time that I am moving energy around. Fun stuff.
- Then I will go through the actual conjuration. Yes, I'm doing it without casting a circle. If you want to know the actual words to the conjuration, look up the Lesser Key of Solomon online. I trust you'll be able to find it if you really want to. Instead of attempting to seal the demon in a triangle or circle, I will be using a mirror I own. This will only serve to send energy towards in the hopes that the demon will have enough energy to manifest in some way.
- I will then attempt to converse with the entity.
- After that, I will allow the spirit to depart, but I will -not- perform any sort of banishing ritual. Surely this level of stupidity will get at least some sort of result.
I'll post tomorrow with my results.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Frustration
Guess who can't find anything reputable about the goetia?
Me~
Okay, that's a lie. I did find one forum with some stuff. Mostly personal experiences. It's interesting because there's two very different perspectives on what the goetic demons are. The first perspective is that the demons are just that: evil demons that will ruin your life at the drop of a hat. The second perspective is that the demons aren't really that bad, and that if you're respectful, you'll be able to build a rewarding relationship with them. The first group thinks the second group is fucking insane.
I have one of the ingredients I need. Asafoetida, a foul smelling herb...thing. I got some way back when I used to practice hoodoo.
Anyway, I'm going to give up on the forums for now and start delving into the actual book. Wish me luck.
Me~
Okay, that's a lie. I did find one forum with some stuff. Mostly personal experiences. It's interesting because there's two very different perspectives on what the goetic demons are. The first perspective is that the demons are just that: evil demons that will ruin your life at the drop of a hat. The second perspective is that the demons aren't really that bad, and that if you're respectful, you'll be able to build a rewarding relationship with them. The first group thinks the second group is fucking insane.
I have one of the ingredients I need. Asafoetida, a foul smelling herb...thing. I got some way back when I used to practice hoodoo.
Anyway, I'm going to give up on the forums for now and start delving into the actual book. Wish me luck.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Interruption
Wow, it's been a while. I apologize for the lack of posts lately, but I was extremely ill for over two weeks, and slightly ill for even longer. Luckily, I was able to get a prescription of some heavy antibiotics, so I'm doing a lot better. I'm sure you all are enthused.
Right now I'm catching up on all the blogs I've missed out on. For some reason I think this is more important than summoning demons from the depths of hell, or pissing off the elder gods. Haha, see, I can joke about my situation.
Eh, sorry, I'm just starting to see more and more the hopelessness of my situation. I'm not going to find anything. I know this. But I'm still going to look and further prove to myself the reasons for my fear. In short, I'm fucked no matter what I do.
I'm almost too scared to actually get started. Almost. Rest assured, I'm snooping around trying to figure out what ingredients I need to do an 'improper' goetic summoning. It just might take away to decide and get the ingredients. Luckily, there's a good chance I might already have a bunch of them.
That's all I have to talk about now, when I next post I'll probably have at least a rough idea of what I'll be doing. Until then.
Right now I'm catching up on all the blogs I've missed out on. For some reason I think this is more important than summoning demons from the depths of hell, or pissing off the elder gods. Haha, see, I can joke about my situation.
Eh, sorry, I'm just starting to see more and more the hopelessness of my situation. I'm not going to find anything. I know this. But I'm still going to look and further prove to myself the reasons for my fear. In short, I'm fucked no matter what I do.
I'm almost too scared to actually get started. Almost. Rest assured, I'm snooping around trying to figure out what ingredients I need to do an 'improper' goetic summoning. It just might take away to decide and get the ingredients. Luckily, there's a good chance I might already have a bunch of them.
That's all I have to talk about now, when I next post I'll probably have at least a rough idea of what I'll be doing. Until then.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Uncertainty
I'm starting to wonder if this is really a good idea or not.
I'm afraid of offending the gods, the Lwa, and the spirits Istill hold used to hold so dear. I'm supposed to be above stupid shit like this, but apparently I'm not. I'm just another one of those idiot kids that goes poking around for the hell of it. I used to have belief, I used to be strong in my belief. What happened?
I doubt -everything- now.
Even so, the fear is washing over me. Slowly at first, but now it's coming in waves. What if I -do- grab something's attention? What if my family gets hurt because of it? I don't care about myself, but I can't say the same about my friends. The 'rational' part of me says that such worrying is ridiculous, but...I don't know.
The sick part is that I know I'm going to go through with whatever plan I come up with. That's how far gone I am.
I'm afraid of offending the gods, the Lwa, and the spirits I
I doubt -everything- now.
Even so, the fear is washing over me. Slowly at first, but now it's coming in waves. What if I -do- grab something's attention? What if my family gets hurt because of it? I don't care about myself, but I can't say the same about my friends. The 'rational' part of me says that such worrying is ridiculous, but...I don't know.
The sick part is that I know I'm going to go through with whatever plan I come up with. That's how far gone I am.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Dog
For some strange reason, my dog hates my room.
She didn't used to hate my room, but nowadays, whenever I bring her in with me for the night, she'll scratch at the door incessantly until I let her out. It's strange because she's obviously extremely stressed and afraid when this is going on. She shakes and pants and cries.
Going from what I 'know' about energy, it might be because cleaning my room freed up a lot of excess energy that's making her uncomfortable. The doubtful side of me says that that's bullshit, and she's just getting old.
Even so, I have...strange things in my room. Animal skulls and pelts, some that were specifically made for shamanistic workings. I have a wand that feels like it has a pulse when I hold it, and an altar that I keep adorned with pictures of my gods.
I've been noticing her glance and stare at things that aren't there. I want to chalk it up to normal dog behavior but....a part of me doesn't. A part of me needs something to happen.
Oh well, at least I have a Slendy warning sign if I get too in deep from reading all these slendyblogs.
Does anyone know any creepyblogs that aren't Slender Man related? If so, I'd love to hear about them.
She didn't used to hate my room, but nowadays, whenever I bring her in with me for the night, she'll scratch at the door incessantly until I let her out. It's strange because she's obviously extremely stressed and afraid when this is going on. She shakes and pants and cries.
Going from what I 'know' about energy, it might be because cleaning my room freed up a lot of excess energy that's making her uncomfortable. The doubtful side of me says that that's bullshit, and she's just getting old.
Even so, I have...strange things in my room. Animal skulls and pelts, some that were specifically made for shamanistic workings. I have a wand that feels like it has a pulse when I hold it, and an altar that I keep adorned with pictures of my gods.
I've been noticing her glance and stare at things that aren't there. I want to chalk it up to normal dog behavior but....a part of me doesn't. A part of me needs something to happen.
Oh well, at least I have a Slendy warning sign if I get too in deep from reading all these slendyblogs.
Does anyone know any creepyblogs that aren't Slender Man related? If so, I'd love to hear about them.
Chaos
So I've been looking more into chaos magic as a possible means of treating my fear.
Long story short? It's a wash.
From what I've read, and what I remember (chaos magic was the type of magic I started out with, as opposed to the Wicca and witchcraft many pagans start out with), chaos magic relies on a psychological system more often than not. In other words, if I was successful in summoning something, it would mean I was successful in altering my consciousness enough to make myself believe I was seeing something. Going by this system of thinking, any working I would do would just be a forced delusion. A useful delusion, but still a delusion. This isn't what I want.
Hell, maybe this is the reason I have so much trouble believing in something. I started out reading about chaos magic at a young age. It probably warped my thinking a bit. Oh well, if all else fails, I might be able to use chaos magic techniques to delude myself into thinking everything is okay. It's not what I want, but it's preferable to my current state.
Next up I'll probably either look into the goetia or Vodou. Hell, maybe even both! Maybe summoning a demon and a lwa at the same time will do wonders. Or send me to the nut house. Whatever works.
Long story short? It's a wash.
From what I've read, and what I remember (chaos magic was the type of magic I started out with, as opposed to the Wicca and witchcraft many pagans start out with), chaos magic relies on a psychological system more often than not. In other words, if I was successful in summoning something, it would mean I was successful in altering my consciousness enough to make myself believe I was seeing something. Going by this system of thinking, any working I would do would just be a forced delusion. A useful delusion, but still a delusion. This isn't what I want.
Hell, maybe this is the reason I have so much trouble believing in something. I started out reading about chaos magic at a young age. It probably warped my thinking a bit. Oh well, if all else fails, I might be able to use chaos magic techniques to delude myself into thinking everything is okay. It's not what I want, but it's preferable to my current state.
Next up I'll probably either look into the goetia or Vodou. Hell, maybe even both! Maybe summoning a demon and a lwa at the same time will do wonders. Or send me to the nut house. Whatever works.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Clarification
After a long creepy archive binge, I've decided to clarify that no, this is not an ARG. I am familiar with the term, and after reading Just Another Fool finally have an actual idea of what an ARG is.
Which lead to me reading my blog over and becoming horribly embarrassed.
Guys, if I start posting cryptic messages about how something is after me, please please -please- use your internet ninja skills to track me down and promptly smack me in the face. I enjoy creepy blogs as much as the next person, but I'm hoping this blog will be...well, hopefully not boring as dirt, but a lot more boring than your average story of when people decide to mess with the unknown. The most I expect is me posting about how I saw something that alleviated my fears. Hopefully after that, I won't have need for this blog anymore. What this means though, is that there could be a lot of posts containing nothing more than me whining about how I've still found jack shit.
I do enjoy creepy blogs though, so I'll probably be using this account to comment on them.
Right now I'm looking through all of my occult-ish books and taking stock of them all, so I should be updating with a game plan soon enough. I don't mind if people follow me, but please understand that I'm typing this all up for my sake, not for entertainment purposes.
Now if you'll excuse me, my dog won't stop shaking. Obviously there's a ghost in the room. :|
Which lead to me reading my blog over and becoming horribly embarrassed.
Guys, if I start posting cryptic messages about how something is after me, please please -please- use your internet ninja skills to track me down and promptly smack me in the face. I enjoy creepy blogs as much as the next person, but I'm hoping this blog will be...well, hopefully not boring as dirt, but a lot more boring than your average story of when people decide to mess with the unknown. The most I expect is me posting about how I saw something that alleviated my fears. Hopefully after that, I won't have need for this blog anymore. What this means though, is that there could be a lot of posts containing nothing more than me whining about how I've still found jack shit.
I do enjoy creepy blogs though, so I'll probably be using this account to comment on them.
Right now I'm looking through all of my occult-ish books and taking stock of them all, so I should be updating with a game plan soon enough. I don't mind if people follow me, but please understand that I'm typing this all up for my sake, not for entertainment purposes.
Now if you'll excuse me, my dog won't stop shaking. Obviously there's a ghost in the room. :|
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Introduction
My name is Erratic, and I'm afraid of death.
Wait, no, that's a lie. Erratic isn't my real name, obviously, but it's what I plan to use for this blog. And I'm not afraid of death so much as what it entails. No, not Hell. I could deal with Hell. I wouldn't enjoy it, but it'd be better than the alternative I fear. I'm not afraid of pain, I'm afraid of nonexistence.
The thought that one day I may suddenly not exist haunts my every waking moment. It sends me into fits of panic. It's even made me contemplate ending it all. If life has no meaning, then why live? Then at least the fear would end.
Now before you tell me to 'find God', let me assure you that I have found a god. There's just a great possibility that he's not your god. I follow an Egyptian deity, but I do so with great doubt. I practice magic, but it's all medication to keep me from my anxiety. Even my career was chosen to hopefully, one day, 'scare me straight' about the possibility of life after death. What better place to find a ghost than a mortuary?
To be honest, I'm sick of the whole thing. I'm sick of pretending to believe in something when my gut constantly tries to contradict me. I'm going to find proof of -something- out there if it kills me. These pagan trappings aren't doing it anymore, it's time for me to be stupid.
I apologize if I sound incoherent, I haven't had proper sleep in days thanks to this sickness of mine.
I suppose I should break the purpose of this blog down: Pagan girl is scared to death of death, so she decides to go out of her way to provoke the unknown in the hopes of finding some personal proof of said unknown.
Does that sum it up well enough?
Wait, no, that's a lie. Erratic isn't my real name, obviously, but it's what I plan to use for this blog. And I'm not afraid of death so much as what it entails. No, not Hell. I could deal with Hell. I wouldn't enjoy it, but it'd be better than the alternative I fear. I'm not afraid of pain, I'm afraid of nonexistence.
The thought that one day I may suddenly not exist haunts my every waking moment. It sends me into fits of panic. It's even made me contemplate ending it all. If life has no meaning, then why live? Then at least the fear would end.
Now before you tell me to 'find God', let me assure you that I have found a god. There's just a great possibility that he's not your god. I follow an Egyptian deity, but I do so with great doubt. I practice magic, but it's all medication to keep me from my anxiety. Even my career was chosen to hopefully, one day, 'scare me straight' about the possibility of life after death. What better place to find a ghost than a mortuary?
To be honest, I'm sick of the whole thing. I'm sick of pretending to believe in something when my gut constantly tries to contradict me. I'm going to find proof of -something- out there if it kills me. These pagan trappings aren't doing it anymore, it's time for me to be stupid.
I apologize if I sound incoherent, I haven't had proper sleep in days thanks to this sickness of mine.
I suppose I should break the purpose of this blog down: Pagan girl is scared to death of death, so she decides to go out of her way to provoke the unknown in the hopes of finding some personal proof of said unknown.
Does that sum it up well enough?
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