My name is Erratic, and I'm afraid of death.
Wait, no, that's a lie. Erratic isn't my real name, obviously, but it's what I plan to use for this blog. And I'm not afraid of death so much as what it entails. No, not Hell. I could deal with Hell. I wouldn't enjoy it, but it'd be better than the alternative I fear. I'm not afraid of pain, I'm afraid of nonexistence.
The thought that one day I may suddenly not exist haunts my every waking moment. It sends me into fits of panic. It's even made me contemplate ending it all. If life has no meaning, then why live? Then at least the fear would end.
Now before you tell me to 'find God', let me assure you that I have found a god. There's just a great possibility that he's not your god. I follow an Egyptian deity, but I do so with great doubt. I practice magic, but it's all medication to keep me from my anxiety. Even my career was chosen to hopefully, one day, 'scare me straight' about the possibility of life after death. What better place to find a ghost than a mortuary?
To be honest, I'm sick of the whole thing. I'm sick of pretending to believe in something when my gut constantly tries to contradict me. I'm going to find proof of -something- out there if it kills me. These pagan trappings aren't doing it anymore, it's time for me to be stupid.
I apologize if I sound incoherent, I haven't had proper sleep in days thanks to this sickness of mine.
I suppose I should break the purpose of this blog down: Pagan girl is scared to death of death, so she decides to go out of her way to provoke the unknown in the hopes of finding some personal proof of said unknown.
Does that sum it up well enough?
So what are you going to do? Summon a ghost?
ReplyDeleteI wish it were that simple. I could probably get a little group together for a few nights of creeptastic 'ghost summoning', but any experiences derived from such an event would be suspect. Then again, I'm not looking for concrete evidence that could be reproduced, but personal evidence to calm my mind.
ReplyDeleteI could do so called 'magic' to say...draw attention to myself, but that feels a bit...well, false to me. I have a feeling that anything that would come of that would be a personal delusion, which is quite sad when I remember how strongly I used to believe in such things.
Honestly, I'm still at the 'what now?' phase. I've decided that this fear is affecting my life negatively, and no amount of therapy, drugs, etc. seems to be helping. I've decided to take matters into my own hands.
As pathetic as it sounds, at this stage I've resorted to searching through my entire occult library for things you're -not- supposed to do. Once I get a sizable list, then...well...that's where I hopefully get scared silly by whatever it is I decide to do. If not, I go down the list.