Chaos

So I've been looking more into chaos magic as a possible means of treating my fear.

Long story short? It's a wash.

From what I've read, and what I remember (chaos magic was the type of magic I started out with, as opposed to the Wicca and witchcraft many pagans start out with), chaos magic relies on a psychological system more often than not. In other words, if I was successful in summoning something, it would mean I was successful in altering my consciousness enough to make myself believe I was seeing something. Going by this system of thinking, any working I would do would just be a forced delusion. A useful delusion, but still a delusion. This isn't what I want.

Hell, maybe this is the reason I have so much trouble believing in something. I started out reading about chaos magic at a young age. It probably warped my thinking a bit. Oh well, if all else fails, I might be able to use chaos magic techniques to delude myself into thinking everything is okay. It's not what I want, but it's preferable to my current state.

Next up I'll probably either look into the goetia or Vodou. Hell, maybe even both! Maybe summoning a demon and a lwa at the same time will do wonders. Or send me to the nut house. Whatever works.